dependence

 

there is a knowledge, rare
beware
those who seek
speak
only after thought
sought
inside one's own home
thrown
into disarray
belay

and listen,
volition
the voice unheard
ungird
desires fed by
seeds
stomped under foot
put
into flight,
sight
only of the mind

kind
is the soul
told
to steal itself
health
found in the gaunting
wanting
heart that did not feed
need
for transcendence
dependence

only a fool

I cannot know

what love is

until I have known 

love, first

for myself.

I cannot share 

knowledge of love

until I have received 

love, first

for myself.

Only a fool 

gives away love

not yet attained
for oneself.

breaking into blossom

Somedays,

when sun and cloud reach an agreement

and let you feel the coolness of a breeze touch your skin, move your hair

Something, 

in that movement of air reminds you 

that you are here, that you take up space on this earth; you are solid; you are 

still alive

Somewhere,

along the way, you had forgotten 

to pay attention to yourself, to feel 

your feet on the ground, 

to see that you have already begun to live again, to love again; to flex 

another muscle, to take another step

Somehow,

what you have been searching for all 

your life-- this moment of strength

has found you; redefining itself 

in the gentle whisper of the wind 

upon your face, breathed through the nose; the scent of what is to come 

Sometimes,

you find yourself transformed,

on a street corner, in the town 

where you live, on a windy day 

of no consequence; other than that

it is the day 

your heart is breaking

into blossom.

what i leave behind

if you were gone who would i be

i made your shit a part of me

your hands no longer touch my face

but when i sleep i feel their weight

the bruises of body and soul

know violence has made me whole

in briefest pauses of the day

assuring me i have to stay

and when i rise i soon forget

the aching cut of my regret

illusions that the pain won't last

in busyness of each day passed

if you were gone who would i be

how could i join humanity 

when who i am is now defined

by all that i must leave behind

paper hearts

My writing you always encouraged
because of you i know it flourished
your struggle taught me i am flawed
thank you for wrestling with God

Talking always was your thing
you liked to know all my feelings
it was hard to listen to the chatter
but i'm glad you taught me feelings matter

Everything was near perfect
but my heart couldn't connect
thank you for letting love remain
when i couldn't do the same

Because of you i felt free
to be who i was made to be
you pointed me to lots of books
taught me to take a closer look

Each day with you took some convincing
i learned that words were not for mincing
you showed me that i could be strong
when i knew something was wrong

Even though our time was short
you were a comforting support
thank you for being kind to me
but thank you most for lavishing

Countless days i felt you near
even though you were not here
i learned to laugh and take lightly
those things i had once held tightly

how closely i read every page
and edited at every stage
now all my books are on the shelf 
nothing to read except myself

what we’d sown

you were my favorite sweater 

a laugh as soft as heather

a gaze as tough as leather 

i'd never worn anything better

something was lost along the way 

i'm not sure I could place the day

when you heard things I didn't say 

and what we'd sown began to fray

now there are holes inside my head

fissured thoughts I cannot mend

words fall out and I pretend

that you miss me, my dearest friend

the heels of love

i came in close, brushed your soul
the place you keep impregnable
i found the door, there was no lock
Fear imprisoned without stocks

my presence there caused him to run
his eyes had rarely seen the sun
for so long he'd been enslaved
he felt exposed, he felt unsafe

i ran to him, and called him near
he was too occupied to hear
there was so much to take in
so hard to listen with the din

of voices raging in his head
untruths with which he had been fed
my words rang out, my voice was choked
"your name - it is not Fear, but Hope"

he spun around in recognition
of the name he had been given
when he was a little boy
before that word had been destroyed

by years of living in the pain,
the loneliness and the shame
"how dare you use that word for me-
telling me who i should be -

"who do you think you are" he said.
"i'm not some book that you have read-
you cannot know what i have known-
there is no Hope, i have no home-

"outside the chains that i have wrapped-
around my heart, leave it untapped-
for if my rage washed over you-
it would surely change you too."

eye-to-eye we stood for days
neither faltering the gaze
and when i spoke, the words flowed free
from the empty cage inside of me
 
"it's clear you wish i'd never come-
unbidden on the heels of Love,
what i set free you wanted sealed
what you held close i have revealed

"your secret is: you are not dead
found in the tears cried on your bed
Hope is still alive and well
just locked away inside this cell

"you renamed yourself as Fear
to scare those looking for you here
but i'm familiar with this tactic
for i too did once enact it

"My name is Trust," i said with care.
"i know that you don't want me there
inside the room you've built for one
but Love invited me to come

"she came by, you locked the door
she should have sent me here before
i know that her words sound petty
to one who feels they are not ready

"so i've come to you today
to see if you might let me stay
at least until Love reappears
i realize it could take years

"but i am patient, i am kind
as far as waiting, i don't mind
please look into my eyes and see
if Hope could learn to trust in me."

the sound of happiness

your eyes are laughing sapphires, glinting delight;

it softens me, to see you this way;

youth crawling through the lines on your nose, scrunching

between cheeks blushed to rose;

the eternity of a moment gone too soon;

lost in the hidden corner of a day;

dulling the tongue to words, forming

the sound of happiness.

fury of a storm

there is a chilling wind, lifting
the skirt of God, glimpsing
the forbidden, uninvited
fury of a storm.
 
the jaded angels, grim
relieve themselves, thin
lines marking territory, here
is the line you shall not cross.

mirthless dance of trees, swaying
battered by rain, falling
onto leaves, leaking
as a faucet leaks, unwelcome
dripping down, wasted
running down, ragged
you are not welcome here.

the clouds brows narrow, piercing
light onto the face of sky, pointing
the way to stillness, grounding
the eye of the storm, watching
heaven see me, tumbling
as the thunder continues, rumbling
inside my chest, a grumbling
fury of a storm.

not to be

not to be but to do

not for me but for who

not for she but for you

how do we read the clues

there she goes off again

not to be but to bend

not the knee but the pen

so to bleed not to mend

do we free or depend

do we heed or pretend

do we be or defend

now that we see the end

long loneliness

There is a space for me, prepared

on the overstuffed chair, in the corner 

of the room; a beckoning cocoon 

of air stale and pallor pale;

the long loneliness is settling in.

Curtains tucked in to crevices, dim 

the dawning sun, another night done 

another day strung like sheets on a string
the wind airing laundry clean;

i can feel the long loneliness settling in.

Can you feel it in the breeze, the solitude 

of a sneeze, twitching the nose

a midday doze, in the corner on the chair

the cushion threadbare;

the long loneliness is settling in.

the song i cannot hear

the ivory of his eyes are the color of the keys he pushes, his fingers
into the skin of the beast he aims to tame, her
black coat, thick and sheen covering her
teeth, lifting only to purr along to the humming of his throat
lifting to bare a groan, a grimace, cavernous inside
his baritone, bracing white chatter to the highest pitch
of his right hand, caressing her lips
she sings for him, and i listen
to the sound of quiet ring through, the heels
of my feet, their tumbling duet quakes
within my chest, opening my ears to the song
they play, the song i cannot hear

Q&A

Answers move us forward,

Get us through the day,

Respond to nagging nuisance,

And send us on our way.

Answers ease a wrestless soul,

And calm emotion's seas,

Give shape to understanding;

Pacify inquiry.

But answer needs a question

To make it worth it's work

And question beckons answer;

Each invite the other's birth.

Answers seem to have a knack

For sweet brevity,

But out of question's rambling

Flows creativity.

They intertwine like lovers

Caught in intense romance.

Our answers and our questions

Spin in a ceaseless dance.

this earth.

each blade stands erect, arms
outstretched, head touching sky,
feet touching earth.
this earth.
this north carolina soil is, rich
with the bodies of the dead, relationships
whose memories have rotted, sunk deep
into mud.
can i stand erect, arms
outstretched, head touching sky, feet touching
this earth
where my dead have fallen, deep
like the roots of my toes under the loam, diving down
and curious whether life or death can be found in the dark
and wet, will i wilt with this rain
or reach for the sun that burns, as the heat
of lovers has burned, forcing scalded skin
to seek shade under the arms of those who have grown taller, than me
under green leaves thick with the diet of
this earth.
can i eat from the table set before me, can i drink
from the cup that floods with rain, as others have drunk
their pain, their tears pushed down the face of ashen sky
in remembrance of the dead, the dead of
this earth,
i call home.

lullaby

Hush, beautiful, close your eyes

I’m gonna sing you a lullaby

And if that song doesn’t calm your mind

I’m gonna whisper words so kind

And if my words can’t touch your soul

I’m gonna give you my hand to hold

And if my fingers cannot soothe

I’m gonna kiss your skin so smooth

And if my lips won’t make you smile

I’m gonna lay right here for a while

And if my heat won’t warm your heart

I'm gonna love you from afar

And if my love can’t pierce this night

I’m gonna wait til it turns light

And if the sun on you won’t shine

I’m still gonna wish that you were mine

tick, tock

tick, tock
tick, tock
tick tock goes the clock
it's so onomatopoetic
that it's giving me a headache

i can feel time clicking her tongue

tsk, tosk
tsk, tosk
her hands on her hips, what i wouldn't give
for her hands on my hips, as i sip from her lips
on the tips of my own

for an infusion of life
for a taste of time's tongue
for a twiterpation
for syncopation
of her clock and mine

to keep time ticking
with her licking
hands sticking
will someone fricking
stop this clock from tricking, my mind
into thinking i am fine here, on my own
alone
tick, tock
tick, tock

the fellowship of suffering

in my loneliness
i let you in
to the chasm between us that echoes a din
of air too thick; conversation too thin

in my loneliness
i open the door
to internal suffering i have to endure
and enter into the hole, which i bore

in my loneliness
i find you near
from out of the deep blackness you softly appear
in meeting myself i overcome fear

in loneliness
i learn
i am, in fact, here